so-called friends,

left me behind again.

they left,

i watched,

i stayed.

while they left,

the traces of my stare was etched on their backs,

we were finally even,

for the knife wound on mine was still freshly aching.

watching their silhouettes keep getting smaller reminded me of the time our shadows would merge while walking side by side, as if to show how our hearts were in the same place as well. each of us used to care just as much as another.

now my shadow stands alone, every line around it as crisp as the horizon that pulls them away from me.

i said it’s fine,

i’m fine, really,

i’m used to being by myself anyway,

not sure if it was trying to convince them or the mirror.

i kept trying to imagine a scenario,

a world that i would be fine with this,

where i would be understanding,

where my heart wouldn’t be shattered into pieces.

my imagination lacks in the way their hypocrisy thrives.

them showing their true colours doesn’t make me miss the version of us captured in my camera lens less. the warm light in the photos turned into a cold, morgue-like fluorescent as if to remind me of the death of our intimacy. i don’t even remember how we became strangers who tolerate each other for the sake of false company and passing of time, like actors on stage.

they claim they care,

i want to believe them.

i desperately want to,

if only they didn’t make it impossible for me to do so.

hypocrisy is a beastly instinct,

it is non-human to claim you care

then go on to bite the people who love you.

loyalty is the action of love,

staying true

to your words of being there,

to not tolerating,

but to loving.

such a funny thing it is

to find comfort in the silence

yet keep yearning for the moments of laughter.

it’s hard to long for the moments lost,

the people lost,

even if that person is still there,

but the old, loving version of them isn’t.

i feel an anger inside me building,

a primal instinct of rage,

my deadly sin,

the lion of my dark forest,1

gets angrier day by day.

it is hard to know exactly when it’s going to happen,

but i can feel it getting closer.

Subscribe

dearest reader,

first of all, 100 subscribers, HI!!! i still can’t believe it, thank you all so so so much!! i know this is written in a different way again, and i’m sorry. i think i’m still trying to figure out what i am most comfortable writing other than the prose that we know and love, its place is irreplaceable in my heart lol. normally i don’t write poems because i feel i can never write it the way i want to and being a perfectionist, that really bothers me. today though, i wanted to mix it up a little bit and write something short with both prose and verses. let me know what you thought of this, a sudden wave of inspiration compelled me to write this in a very short amount of time, i hope you enjoy it. as always, take care, know you’re loved.

xoxo thea